Why, yes, that is precisely what I mean. Ladygays, heads up. My relationship orientation is something you will read about here. A lot. I mean like, a whole lot. The reason for this is that I’m non-monogamous in a world where monogamy is worshiped and put on a pedestal, while those of us who live and love in any way that is not strictly monogamous are judged endlessly. So, here it is, queermos- my debunking of just a few of all the ignorant assumptions people have made about me once they find out I have been in open relationships, and now seek said relationships exclusively.
You’re Afraid of Commitment.
Actually, no I am not. Not at all. Just because I sleep with other people does not mean my commitment to my primary partner is any less real. On the contrary, the level of trust, respect, and open communication that it takes to be physically intimate with other people, and allow my partner to do the same is much greater than that I’ve ever felt with any monogamous partner. In fact, I’d say that the commitment I’ve felt with my partners in open relationships has been much greater than that I’ve felt in monogamous ones, because of that heightened level of trust. Also, the ability for a relationship so solid that outside dalliances are in no way a threat is the height of intimacy and trust.
You’re A Greedy Slut.
Again, no. Well, perhaps by many people’s definitions, I am a slut. After all, I’ve known more women in the biblical sense than most men twice my age. If they are shaming me because of this, they are likely simply jealous. Ignorant, misogynist, slut-shaming comments aside, though, it really isn’t just about sex. It is about not putting limits on human connection. The idea of having to give up connecting with other people because I “belong” to someone is really pretty gross to me. I am no one’s property, and connections to other human beings are precious to me. Life is too short to miss out on something potentially great because society says I should. So, yeah, I’m probably a slut. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, though.
It’s Not A Real Relationship!
Sure it is. I alluded to this above, but it bears repeating: My open relationships were a hell of a lot more respectful, trusting, communicative, and just downright happier and more solid than any monogamous relationship I’ve ever been in. There weren’t the underlying unhealthy themes that tend to run through monogamous relationships (more on this in another post where I address the intellectual issues I have with monogamy), and I cared enough about my partner’s fulfillment to allow her to seek what she wanted and needed elsewhere, and she did the same for me. I’d say these relationships felt a whole lot more respectful, and, yes, REAL, than any monogamous union I have ever been a part of.
At any rate, trying to define for other people what is and isn’t a “real” relationship is an astoundingly ignorant position to take anyway. What’s it to you what kind of relationship someone is in, and how (s)he might define it, just since it isn’t abusive?
All in all, those are the top three criticisms I’ve gotten personally with regards to being non-monogamous. Really, it is pretty amazing how much people judge what is none of their business. This is just one of what will likely be many posts on this topic, because people come up with more ignorant, unfounded bullshit on it every day.