Prejudice comes in many forms, and many shades of gray. You don’t have to be outright hateful to hold prejudices against one or more groups of people. However, sometimes, here in the LGBTQ community, we take things a step too far when having knee-jerk reactions about whether someone is prejudiced or not. This is especially true when it comes to policing the dating and sex lives of our queer sisters.
There seems to be a rather popular narrative that if you refuse to date bisexual women, you are automatically a biphobic bigot. Now, if the refusal is rooted in false prejudices, such as the idea that all bisexuals are greedy sluts, etc….yeah. That’s prejudiced. However, if the reasoning has nothing to do with that, and is just more about wanting to date someone you can identify with more, then there’s no problem, in my opinion. Further, regardless of where someone’s personal romantic and sexual preferences come from, that is up to that person and no one else. It is not for others to police.
But, police they do. So many people have automatically decided that if you refuse to date bisexual women, you are automatically biphobic. It’s simply not true, and all that sort of thing does is further widen the very hostile gap that already exists between lesbians and bisexual women. After all, the second you start slinging mud, there’s no longer any room for discussion.
Full Disclosure: I have dated non-monosexual women in the past, and would again.
I have no trouble whatsoever dating bisexual women. None. The only thing I’d need assurance from her about would be her ability to give up men, and her ability to be out of the closet. Other than that, full steam ahead!
Now, there are reasons, LEGITIMATE reasons, that, yes, I’ll admit it– I am much more comfortable dating a lesbian.
1. I have a serious aversion to penis.
No lie. Like, I am repulsed by that anatomy, full stop. So, it would be pretty much a requirement that even in open/poly situations, there would be no men, anywhere, period. Also, nothing turns me into a cold fish faster than some chic talking about her ex-boyfriend’s hard cock. *shudder*
2. Male privilege and straight privilege are a thing.
And yes, some women do take the easy route. And before you say that this just doesn’t happen, I beg to differ. It happened to me, on three different occasions. All of these women identify as straight now, and in their break-up speeches, they all gave various versions of how it was too hard to be in an open same-sex relationships, how they want “normal” lives, and so on and so forth. In other words, they didn’t want to be queer anymore. It’s as if their relationships with me meant nothing. And, yes, it’s a special kind of pain to be bailed on for a man and a life of straight privilege.
3. Passing privilege is a thing.
Yes,I’ve heard the arguments. Bisexual women passing for straight isn’t a privilege. It’s erasure. Yes, I get that. But you truly are deluded if you think that casual passing doesn’t mean society treats you differently– and that difference is definitely a privilege.
I could go on, but you get the picture. Lesbians who would rather simply date other lesbians are not necessarily biphobic. They could simply be protecting themselves. Could they be operating from a place of bigotry? Of course. And if they are, that is dead and flat-out wrong and those people need to examine their prejudices. But, a lot of times, they aren’t.
Further, the bottom line is this: who people date or don’t date and for what reasons is simply nobody else’s business. This policing of people’s personal lives truly is disturbing, and it needs to stop. Want to bridge the gap? Accept that people are allowed to date or not date whomever they like, for whatever reasons they like, and move along.